My first and foremost reason for starting my blog was to document my journey with Ulcerative Colitis. Not only have I been blogging about the highs but today I shall be blogging about the lows. Today is going down as a bad day. Those with Crohn's, Colitis, IBD or any other illness will know that there are 'down days'. My health is no better or worse than it has been currently. Which in some respects is a good thing. So why the bad day?
I'm feeling sad, even thrown in a little tear or two. Which is rare as I am so often a happy and excitable person. I'm never unhappy for long as I tend to get fed up of sulking ha! Why am I sad? Because I am fed up. I'm now fed up of being unwell, it's only getting harder with time.
I'm frustrated at such little progress that's being made. I've now been poorly for 4 years and it doesn't get any easier. I keep telling myself to 'hang on in there' and that a cure is hopefully forever one day closer. People are still so unaware of these illnesses, unaware of the real desperation some feel. It effects what you eat, how you sleep and how you interact with people. There is never an off switch no matter how hard you try.
I am playing my part in trying to raise awareness, to stand up and hope people hear my plea. My hopes for the future are to get funding, to enhance the rate of research so that one day 'one day' so many of those who suffer will no longer need to suffer any more.
Of course I still find the days where I laugh and smile but it's getting hard. Ulcertive Colitis, Crohn's Disease, IBD never go away, there are times (for the lucky ones) when symptoms maybe ease but it is always at the back of your mind. I still don't think it has sunk in yet that I have a 'life long condition'. I often find myself thinking 'why me' it's so unfair, as it is not down to my own actions as to why I'm ill. I haven't drank in excess, I'm not a smoker, I've never done drugs but yet I'm lumbered with this life long illness. I'm simply waiting for the day my life will go back to 'normal'. I know that won't happen, not anytime soon but I continue to hope.
Over the last few months I have isolated myself from work, friends and family. I miss my social life and feel like friends are simply 'putting up' with me. It's hard to always turn down invitations because you are tired or in pain or just unable to attend.
I'm morning the loss of my care free existence. I keep thinking how unfair it is. There are illnesses that allow you to get on with your life as close to 'normal' as before. With Ulcerative Colitis this is impossible, it takes over and effects every part of your entire life. It is so hard not to let it become 'who you are'. I know how I'm currently feeling won't last, but I feel it important to document that the road with a life long illness is tough.
When I first started my blog I was feeling really low and hopeless. Things have very much improved since then, my condition is 'stable' and the support I get is GREAT! Today is simply going down as a 'bad day'.